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On January 6th 2008, the Fat Controller's assistant, Steven Stephenson,
was bringing Sir Topham Hatt a cup of tea.
"Here you are sir, brewed to prefection," he said. "Just how you like it, with
lots of sugar."
"Oh, thank you Wiggles," said the Fat Controller, taking the cup. He seemed to be rather distracted.
"Is
something wrong, sir?" Wiggles asked.
"Well yes, as a matter of fact there is," the Fat Controller took a sip of tea.
"My wife has been sending me some very odd things in the past few weeks, and I'm a bit concerned as to where she's got the
money for it all. Considering the 9,879 pounds and 39 pence missing from my bank account recently, I think I've a good idea."
"What
sort of things has she been sending you?"
"Some very peculiar things indeed, Wiggles. And the strange thing is, it's usually
a repeat of what she got me the day before, with somethng extra."
"Oh really? What did she get you today, sir?" Wiggles
inquired.
"Well Wiggles, on this, the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me, twelve drummers drumming. Which
is really irritating, I'll have you know. There I am, trying to eat my breakfast in peace, and I can barely hear myself think
for all the bloody drummng. It was like a night at Ringo Starr's house, there were so many drums."
"Oh dear, sir."
"And
if that wasn't bad enough, she also sent eleven pipers piping. Now I don't know if you've tried listening to pipes and drums
at the same time Wiggles, but it's not particularly pleasant. And it wasn't just flutes, let me tell you. There were pan pipes,
bagpipes, smoking pipes...there was even this little Italian fellow playing a drain pipe."
"Sounds bizarre, sir," Wiggles
whistled.
"And it gets worse," the Fat Controller frowned. "Imagine trying to get from the kitchen to the front hall when
you've got ten lords leaping every which way. It's a good thing Tony Blair got rid of all those hereditary peers, or goodness
knows how many more there'd have been. Ken Livingstone nearly had my eye out!"
"Ouch."
"Too right! Mind you, I didn't
so much object to the nine ladies dancing. In fact, that was alright. Except for those bloody Pussycat Dolls. 'Pon my soul,
if my wife was as hot as them, I'd have divorced her years ago. Speaking of my wife, she was getting a bit friendly with that
Lord Snooty. I'll have to talk to her about that."
"Anything else, sir?"
"I'm nowhere near finished yet, Wiggles! I
had to put up with eight maids a'milking. Now delivering milk, that would have been fine. But no, they had to bring the bloody
cows along with them. If you've never been in a room with eight cows, m'boy, then I don't recommend it. Nearly had me spitting
up my Shredded Wheat. Especially after seeing what colour they turned that water."
"Water?" Wiggles raised an eyebrow.
"Yes,
water. My house had to be flooded for the next lot of gifts. Seven swans a'swimming. Seven swimming swans. What am I supposed
to do with seven swans? And it's not like I can get rid of them. They're protected, swans are. I can't even eat them! Suppose
her Majesty stopped off for another visit. 'Oh sorry Liz, I had to shoot all these swans, hope you don't mind.'"
"Yes,
quite a scandal, sir."
"Oh, and speaking of birds...six geese a'laying was the next one. Good God..." the Fat Controller
looked disgusted.
"Sir?"
"If it had been eggs they were laying, that would have been nice. I didn't expect to sit down
to my breakfast and have to watch six geese...doing things...with each other."
"Urgh," Wiggles realised what his boss was
talking about. "Let's move on, sir."
"Good idea, Wiggles. The next things she sent me were five gold rings. Well, not real
gold, of course. Stuff from Argos, no doubt. They turned all my fingers green, the cheap things! Here, look!"
The Fat Controller
showed Wiggles his stained fingers.
"And if I didn't have enough birds already," he continued. "I then got four calling
birds that kept insulting me, three french hens that reeked of cheese and garlic, and two turtle doves that made a right mess
of my Shredded Wheat, let me tell you. I could open up my own aviary now, all those bloody birds I've got. I told her we've
nowhere to put them all, but you know what women are like. 'Boo hoo, you don't like my present, boo hoo hoo!' Typical. And
the last present was the worst of all."
"What was it, sir?"
"A partridge in a pear tree. Not only was the tree dead,
but that partridge..."
"Ah, another bird for the collection, I see," Wiggles nodded.
"Oh, I wish it were, Wiggles, I
truly wish it were. But it wasn't that sort of partridge."
"Really sir? What was it?"
"It was only bloody Keith Partridge,
wasn't it?"
"Oh dear."
"I had to leave to the tune of David Cassaday singing 'When I'm a Rock 'n' Roll Star'."
"A
fate nobody should have to suffer."
"I tell you what, Wiggles," the Fat Controller fnished his tea. "I'm glad Christmas
comes only once a year."
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