Edward Strikes Out

All of the engines love working on the Island of Sodor, well, bar Henry. He secretly hates it and wishes to be free like the birds in the tree. Then again, no-one really likes Henry. Edward happens to have worked the longest on the railway. He knows everyone, and everyone wishes the camera gets their good side, because all engines know that they will be picked up on some gossip mag called 'Hello!' or 'Wow!' if they look ugly.

One day, Edward had to pick up a load from the docks. There he found Gordon and Thomas.

"Bah, humbug!" Edward said as he puffed up.

"Hey, Gordon," Thomas whispered, "Why has Edward been acting so angry and rude recently when everyone knows he's meant to be the kind and happy one?"

"Questions, questions, questions little Thomas," replied Gordon, "Why not ask something simple like 'If humans evolved from monkeys, why are they still here?' or 'If Superman can stop bullets hurting him, why does he always duck when a gun is chucked at him?"

Thomas, for once, was lost for words.

"Oh, and for your information. He's been like ever since..."

"They took his branch away?"

"No..."

"BoCo left the series?"

"No..."

"He's getting cranky in his old age, even though he is already 100 odd?"

"No..."

"What then?"

"His favorite show was canceled off the tellie."

Thomas was puzzled, but realized the conversation would probably get weirder and more confusing so decided to stop it there.

"What's that bloody thing?" Edward barked once more, noticing a big something blocking his train.

"That is a new crane, Edward," Gordon answered, "New fangled nonsense indeed."

"Bah, I hate new fangled nonsense," Edward growled in anger.

"Can you not repeat me?" Gordon wondered.

"New fangled nonsense can go stuff itself," Edward continued, ignoring Gordon completely.

Thomas had since left, and Percy arrived.

"Hello!" he peeped.

Gordon and Edward stared at him.

"What?" Percy squeaked, "Oh no, don't tell me. I've got Daisy's make up on again?"

"No," Edward replied, seeing that Gordon was puzzling over the fact that Percy had worn Daisy's make once before...and also the fact Daisy actually had make up.

"Oh...it's a parody, isn't it?"

"Yep."

"And I've just puffed up?"

"Yep."

"Do I have to say...it?"

"Oh yes."

Percy sighed.

"What's a Percy?"

Another silence came.

"Nope," Gordon said, "Still not funny."

"Same," Edward replied before leaving to take his trucks.

The trucks happened to be by the new Crane.

"Hell...o" the crane muttered, "I...Rock...y."

"Yeah, whatever" and with that Edward left, leaving a sad Rocky alone. It had taken him all day to learn to say that.

Due to the pointless conversation he had with Percy, Thomas and Gordon that morning, Edward was rushing with his load.

"Live..." the trucks groaned, "Got to think, what's the point?"

"And someone actually thought the trucks weren't depressed..." Edward muttered to himself.

Suddenly, a signal out of nowhere and changed to red. Edward screeched to a halt, just in time, but the trucks had stopped too fast and their sides cracked.

"Brilliant, now I got a headache..." a truck muttered.

Now Edward was in a mess. His load of steel pipes blocked all the tracks, he was late and the trucks still found time to moan. The only one who found enjoyment out of the whole situation was the signal, who was celebrating its first minutes of popping out of thing air by just standing there.

'Woo' it thought.

Harvey was soon on the scene, but unfortunately he was taking a long time.

"Can't you go any faster?" Edward barked, "I've got to hurry up with this load...and Antiques Roadshow is on in a couple of minutes!"

"I'm going as fast as I can!" Harvey gasped.

Presently Thomas and Emily puffed up.

"Edward, call Rocky!" he called.

Edward was about to reply to the fact that was all Thomas could say when there's a bunch of pipes in front of him when Gordon made his presence known.

"Gordon!" Edward yelled, "Watch out for the pipes!"

"Gordon!" Thomas shouted, "Watch out for the pipes!"

"I hate pipes!" Emily shouted, "I also hate that intellectual prosperity is primary source for social change, but that's nothing to do with pipes on the line."

Gordon rocketed onto the pipes.

"Argh!" he yelled, "someone could've warned me that pipes were on the line!"

"I'm not lifting Gordon!" Harvey exclaimed.

"Is he too heavy?" asked Edward.

"Nah...to be honest I just can't be bothered to try."

Now everything was a complete mess.

"I knew it would all end in tears..." muttered a nearby truck.

"Edward!" called Thomas, "Get Rocky!"

"You've said that for the umpteenth time now Thomas, and I'm bloody sick of it!"

And with that, Edward went to get Rocky.

"Rocky!" Edward called, "We need you straight away!"

"My positvies jibes rejoice towards this spiffingly piece of imformation!"

Edward was astonished.

"Its amazing what you can learn with this 'English for Dummies' book!" Rocky exclaimed.

Soon Edward had brought Rocky to the site and it was not to long before he had cleaned the pipes up and even put Gordon back on the rails. The big blue engine was impressed.

"I'm impressed!" he said, thus proving the above statement true.

"Thank you Rocky!" Edward exclaimed.

A silence came. Emily sighed.

"Bite me."

All the other rejoiced as they downed their Sodor Gin.

"I love this parody game," Harvey said gleefully.

And everyone agreed.