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"Thomas' Frosty Fiend"
by Professor Reginald Fortesque Vengeance (Esquire)
Based on the episode "Thomas' Frosty Friend" by Sharon Miller
The winter holiday season is a very busy time on the Island of Sodor. More islanders try to escape then than at any other
time of year. Thankfully, the Fat Controller's special Death Squads are...y'know, I've said too much. Back to the story. So
yeah, very busy time and all that. Percy has more mail to deliver, Gordon has more visitors aboard his Express and Thomas
has very important jobs. But then, when doesn't he have very important jobs these days?
One morning, Thomas had to go to Brendam Docks. "I must pick up the logs for Farmer McColl," he puffed. Actually, that was
Toby's job, but Thomas had him locked in his shack for more screen time. Little bugger.
Percy was waiting at the signal (It wasn't at red, he just liked looking at the lights) when Thomas arrived. He was very excited.
"Look what's over there, Thomas!" peeped Percy. Thomas looked and nearly wet his wheels.
A swarm of children was buzzing and screaming around an enormous snowman. It stood with a tall top hat and big red nose; its
smile wider than a killer clown on a prozac high. The children were excited, as they had seen the engines and were scrambling
onto Percy's train to get away from it, crying "SATAN! SATAN!" every so often.
"I've never seen such a big snowman!" said Percy, blissfully unaware of his new passengers.
"Neither have I!" tooted Thomas hysterically. The snowman was staring right at him and it made him feel very uncomfortable.
"Why do they call them 'snowmen', anyway, Thomas?" Percy queried. Before his friend could threaten physical harm, the signal
conveniently changed to green and Thomas steamed away.
Suddenly, a strong gust of wind lifted the snowman off the ground, away from the children. The snowman was a snowman balloon!
Who would be cruel enough to make a lovable Christmas figure so damned terrifying, though, is anyone's guess. Anyhoo, Thomas
didn't see the guideropes catch on his buffers and get caught there - and he didn't know the balloon was now following him.
Hey, who needs an attention span when you've got millions in merchandising?
**********
Thomas stopped at the level crossing. There were no cars, of course. He just liked being able to stop wherever he wanted now
his crew had been fired. Suddenly, the childrens' snowman was there in front of him, grinning like a balloon possessed. Thomas
yelped. He didn't know a snowman could dance in the air and he sincerely hoped it didn't know how to rip an engine's face
off.
"What are you doing here, Mr Snowman?!" cried Thomas. Mr Snowman said nothing. "P-please don't kill me! You must go
back to the children!" tooted Thomas, "They'll be...um...v-very sad without you! Yes, that'll do! Um...hey, what's that over
there?"
Thomas raced away from the crossing. "If I puff fast," chuffed Thomas, "Mr Snowman will never be able to follow me!"
If Mr Snowman could've talked, he'd have laughed his arse off.
**********
Thomas arrived at Brendam Docks. James was there delivering coal to all the naughty workmen, a technique the Fat Controller
picked up from his bearded cousin. As his tank engine pal collected his log truck, James noticed the balloon and whistled
in horror.
"Thomas, what're you doing with that freaky snowman?!" he yelped.
"Oh no!" Suddenly, the snowman danced in front of Thomas again. "Mr Snowman, I told you to go kill the...I mean,
go back to the children! Why are you still following me?!" Thomas steamed off as quickly as he could. He hoped the
snowman wouldn't follow him and would try to leech off of James' soul instead. Anyway, he puffed like the Dickens out of there.
"Thomas!" called James, "Why do you have a giant balloon tied to your buffers?" But Thomas didn't hear him. He'd already left
ten minutes ago.
**********
Farmer McColl was waiting on the farm platform for his logs. He was going to roll them down hills and flatten his cows. Hey,
when you live on an island with no hamburger chains, sometimes you just have to improvise. At any rate, Thomas wheeshed to
a halt next to him. When Farmer McColl saw the balloon, his moustashe nearly fell off.
"Thomas!" he exclaimed, "What are you doing with that hideous snowman?"
"OH NO!" tooted Thomas. Suddenly, the snowman danced in front of Thomas again. "Mr Snowman, I told you to go kill...I
mean, go back to the children! Why are you still following me?!"
Farmer McColl didn't understand. And Thomas didn't know how to tell Farmer McColl about his frosty friend without feeling
its smiley wrath. Thomas steamed off as quickly as he could. He hoped the snowman wouldn't follow him and would devour the
human alive instead. Anyway, he chuffed like a rocket out of there, with the strangest feeling of deja vu.
"Thomas!" called Farmer McColl, "Why do you have a giant balloon tied to your buffers?" But Thomas didn't hear him. He'd already
left twenty minutes ago. Sudrians have slow reactions. It's the country life, don't you know?
**********
Thomas had to stop at the signal at Maithwaite Station. Emily was there picking up passengers and generally being her bossy
self. She was just nagging the station staff not to walk so loudly, when Emily she saw the snowman bobbing about behind Thomas.
"Thomas!" laughed Emily derisively, "What are you doing with that snowman?" Suddenly, the snowman floated in front of Thomas
again.
"Mr Snowman, I told you to go kill...I mean, go back to the children!" cried Thomas, "Why are you still following
me?!" Thomas steamed off as qui...look. You all know the drill by now. Just picture it yourselves, OK? It'll save more space
here.
"Thomas!" whistled Emily, "Why do you have a giant balloon tied to your buffers?" But Thomas didn't hear her. Not because
he was too far away this time - he just didn't like Emily. Still, Thomas was freaking out. He didn't know how to make Mr Snowman
go after the children instead. Then he had an idea.
"I'll hide," puffed Thomas quietly.
OK, has Sodor's ideas factory had major lay-offs these past few years or something?
**********
Thomas chuffed into a lonely siding, with only a few dozen loud trucks for company. He couldn't see the snowman, but they
could and screamed louder than usual. But the tank engine hardly noticed the difference.
"I think Mr Snowman has gone back to the children," Thomas tooted. Suddenly, a gust of wind blew hard - Mr Snowman danecd
in front of Thomas again. He was still following him.
"AAAAAAAA!" Thomas had finally snapped. "I can't TAKE it anymore! I must tell the Fat Controller what has happened!"
screamed Thomas, "I need his help! I NEED HELP, FULL STOP!" And Thomas raced off like it was the Jet Engine incident
all over again.
**********
Thomas puffed back into Maithwaite Station. Farmer McColl and the Fat Controller were there, enjoying a couple of freshly-made
hamburgers.
"Please, sir!" sobbed Thomas, "I don't know what to do! I've tried to tell Mr Snowman to go kill the children, but
he has followed me everywhere!"
The Fat Controller just stared. "Are you feeling alright, Thomas?"
"NO!" bawled the tank engine, "Mr Snowman won't leave me alone! Make the voices stop! Get him away from me!"
"You silly blue bugger!" laughed the Fat Controller, "The snowman is a balloon, Thomas! And he is caught on your buffers!
He is following you because you are pulling him!"
But Thomas couldn't hear him anymore. All he could do was scream and shout, with the occasional cry of "SATAN!"
"Fine," sighed the Fat Controller, "I'll get Percy to take you away." He turned to Farmer McColl and his crates of burgers.
"Just deliver the rest to my office, will you?"
**********
So, Thomas was pushed to a padded shed near the Sodor Hospital. He was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia and has remained
there ever since.
Meanwhile, Toby was eventually freed from his shed and put back in service. The children were delighted to see him run over
Mr Snowman by order of Sir Topham Hatt. They cheered and cheered and Toby was very happy to have destroyed the frosty fiend.
"I just don't get it," the Fat Controller pondered over an Angus Burger, "That snowman was tied down tight enough to withstand
another random storm! How did it get loose?"
Elsewhere, two men secretly watched Thomas undergo electroshock therapy.
"Fire us, will you, Tommy?" smirked his driver, as he and the fireman tucked into their popcorn.
FIN.
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