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It was a splendid day on the island of Sodor. James was feeling very please
with himself. His red paint sparkled in the sun, he sped smoothly along the rails, and he managed to get three phone numbers
from attractive female engines.
At the junction, he saw Percy.
“Running a little late, aren’t you,
squirt?”
“I know. These trucks are being troublesome. I thought I’d save some money by using cheep couplings.”
“Why
didn’t you just pay the money for proper ones?”
“Because I have to save my money, in order to marry t
my one true love.”
James was stunned. How could a short, fat kid like Percy get a date, with a woman, let alone get
her to marry him?
“You sly little dog!” grinned the scarlet Casanova, “Who’s the lucky girl?”
Percy
sighed dreamily, his blue eyes sparkling, and gazing into heaven.
“My pay cheque…”
James arrived
at the harbour. He watched as apples, melons, grapefruit, and pears were removed from the ship.
“Amazing. I had
no idea that there were so many slang words for…”
“Do you mind, James, we need to keep this rated at
U.” said the driver.
“Heh.” James gave an amused snigger, “To hell with censorship. I can do as
I like.”
“Why?”, a seductive look came into James narrowed eyes. Stars seemed to twinkle all around him.
“Because I’m an extremely handsome man\train.”
“Well, that put me in my place.” said
the driver, seeing several girls blowing kisses at the engine.
James train was loaded, and he set off for the station
on the main line. On the way, he met Thomas, standing next to Annie & Clarabelle.
“Those two beauties are here
to see me, Thomas. Why don’t you go return a child’s lost balloon or something?”
“That’s
total bull-plop!” Thomas shouted, “We would these two want you when they could have the star of the show? After
all, I’m the one who clinched us the merchandising contract, and the big movie deal that the Blonde Director is working
on!”
“When you’ve got what me Annie and Clarabelle have, money doesn’t matter.”
“What
the hell is that?” Demanded the star. Once again, James seductive look, and twinkle star background.
“Well,
gosh, if you want me to spell it out for you, its called love, baby…” When he turned back to look at Thomas, he
was that the ego-centric engine was no longer there.
“Where’d he…?”
He was cut off Thomas ramming
Henry’s log car into his face.
“How dare you!” James shrieked, “Only beautiful girls are allowed
to strike the great James!”
“Oh shut up!” said Thomas, “It’s time for our big fight scene!”
Percy meanwhile, was shunting. He had the cars in good order, and was making up for lost time.
“Cars?”
said one man, “Percy’s a mechanic?”
“Get rid of George Carlin, and bring in the British narrator!”
said the director,
Carlin: Well thanks a f**king bunch, you f**king jerks. I need to get back to the f**king comedy
circuit.
Percy had the trucks in order, and was making up for lost time. A station master came up to him.
“James’
brakes have jammed, Percy, you’ll have to help.”
“How much will you give me for it?”
“What?!”
the master could scarcely believe his ears.
“I’m going out of my way, and risking being told off by the Fat
Controller, by leaving my current job unfinished. If I go, it’ll have to be worth at least £100.”
“I’ll
give you £50.” said the master
“£700”
“Oh alright. £700 it is then.”
The moral of
this story- never haggle with Percy too long.
Percy found the embarrassed James, down the line.
“So, you
and Thomas have been fighting over girls again, eh?”
“The cheek of that barbarian!” shouted the jammed
James, “Meddling with my break pipe is a low blow!”
“I’ve never heard it called that before.“
Percy turned red in the face.
“I knew you’d say something like that.”
“I’m surprised you
let it happen James, considering your reputation as a ladies man…”
“Oh yes, use homosexual jokes with
James. Very original, Percy.”
“Enough, with the sex jokes!” said Percy’s Personality-less driver,
“You’ll have to push the trucks to the station, because it’d be too expensive to shoot footage of you running
around to the front.”
So Percy pushed the truck along. However, danger lurked ahead. When Thomas fiddled with James
break pipe (We’ve done all related jokes to that, so don’t bother), he also switched the points to a siding, to
trap James again, should he manage to free himself.
The trucks hit the buffers with a great force, knocking them to a violent
halt, and sending Percy crashing into the rear van. Inside, lurked the most shocking thing Percy had seen in months-
Ringo
Starr, removing his trousers.
“Ringo’s revenge.” he said, as he urinated in Percy’s face, before
throwing fruit at him. (That explains the actual footage in the episode.)
That night in the shed, all was quiet. James
and Percy were feeling sorry for themselves. At last, Thomas spoke up.
“Even though this episode focuses on James
and Percy, I’m the star who clinched for Ms Allcroft the much acclaimed merchandising contract, to appear on t-shirts,
baseball caps, ertl models, hornby train sets, and fruit juice cartons. So there’s a clause in my contract that says
they have to make a big fuss over me like this in half of the series. So bare with us kids- its big business!”
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