A Letter from Sir Topham Hatt

I am writing on behalf of the amount of critiscm I have taking on this forum, mainly in this very thread. I have been called 'Fatso', 'Tub of Lard' and many other words directing towards my current weight. I would like you all to know I'am deeply offended. I would've taken this out on your Admin, but I have heard he does aquire a so-called 'beating stick' to those who piss him off. Thank you Peter 'Joey' Sam for this information.

First of all, I'd start of with my weight. My belly is a problem way beyond my control. It is a problem that has been passed through my family in hope that one of them can be arsed to fix it. Of course, I'm an innocent victim in all this. The future of a cure does not look bright as I have heard my nephew Jack has failed in his recent Science tests...

I'd also like to note that I do not indulge myself on McDonalds, oh no. I would like to confirm that I'am in fact, a Burger King man. I do also find the 'King' adverts very amusing and I applaud them for doing that. Why do I dislike McDonalds? As they chucked out my cousin, Billy Hatt, for apparently 'running the place dry'. This is, of course, stuff and nonsense as Billy has never once attempted to run at all in his life.

I'd also like to show my anger towards my participtation in redubs. I would like to state that I do not have a Lancastrian/Liverpudlian/Cumbrian accent with a lisp like that rascallian Michael Angelis gives me. I do in fact have a Norfolkian/Southern/Welsh Valley accent. Confused? So am I.

I recently had the misfortune to be called the 'devil' in a member called 'Alaric' in his recent redub 'Percy Runs Away'. I'd like to state I'm not the devil or any religous or biblical character. However, my Uncle Phill once called Aunty Gertrude the devil. Then again, he alway proclaimed Millwall FC will win the cup...

So to round things off, I would like to state that I do not have any of the problems that you say I do and I am in fact a perfectly normal being.

Yours,
Sir Topham Hatt OBE MBE ASBO.

PS-I would also like to state that I'am not repetive ~~repetive~~