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Dear friends,
Recently the engines on Thomas' branch line have engaged in some political experiments. Frankly the whole thing was
very silly, and I almost refused to write about it. However I'm being forced to do it at gunpoint. So here you go.
The Reluctant Author
The Red Menace
One day, Thomas the Tank Engine was waiting at the station for James to arrive with his passengers.
"Where
is that James?" he asked. "I swear, he's slower than a snail when observed through the relativistic effect of travelling at
light speed."
As Annie and Clarabel pondered Thomas' scientific comment, James pulled into the station. For some reason,
he was wearing a fluffy hat around his funnel, with a hole in it to let the steam out.
"Hello James!" Thomas whistled.
"Niet,
comrade," said James in a bad Russian accent. "It is Comrade Jamesovich I am beink."
"Comrade Jamesovich?" said Thomas,
understandably confused.
"Dah, mine friend. Comrade Jamesovich of de Engine's Army. Pleased to be meetink youski."
"Come
off it, James. We've known each other since your crash."
"Niet!" James spluttered. "No crash have I been in. Are mistakink
me for other personski."
"Yeah, yeah," Thomas rolled his eyes. "What's with the Russian get up?"
"Excusink me, but this
is offical uniform of the Steam Union that I am wearink," said James proudly. "Checkink out my symbol of pride on tenderski."
Thomas
looked at James' tender. Yaoi girls went wild. He noticed that James' yello 5 had been replaced by a hammer and sickle.
"Oh,
you're a Communist," Thomas realised.
"Da, you are catchink on!" said James. "All of Main Line is now beink under Communust
regime. Viva la Engine's Army!"
"That's Spanish."
"I don't care. Now that we have overthrown evil dictatorship, we are
beink completely self-governed. Passengers are no longer havink to pay capitalist pigdogs outrageous fees for services. Is
a glorious day, Comrade Thomaski. You must join us, or we will bury you!"
"But James," said Thomas, "You do realise that
those fees pay for our maintainance, don't you?"
James looked shocked. "You're having a...I mean, this is joke beink, correct.
Ski."
"Nope."
"Oh, d**nski!" said James. "And after I'd come up with that new campaign slogan too."
"What was that?"
"'Four
wheels or more good, three wheels or less bad'. I was rather proud of it, myself."
"Meh," said Thomas, not really caring.
"So you really overthrew the Fat Controller, eh?"
"Er, not really. He just kinda left his office for a bit," James confessed.
"Probably came back a while ago, actually. I hope he doesn't notice what I did."
"With that hat and symbol on your tender,
I think he may catch on," said Thomas. "How'd you get them, anyway?"
But before James could answer, Percy passed by.
"Communism
is no option because it still has a government," he said mysteriously. "There is only one true course for this island. And
soon I shall make it so."
Thomas sighed. He sensed silliness ahead.
P for Pendetta
With the Communist regime of the Main Line now disposed
of (Not that it was ever posed in the first place), Thomas was looking forward to peace from political struggles.
But since that would make for an extremely boring volume, he wasn't going to get it.
He was waiting at the station to pick
up Percy's passengers, and was contemplating a theoretical model of a spinning universe and its effect vis a vis time
travel when the young green engine arrived. But there was something remarkably different about him.
"Percy, why are you
wearing that ridiculous grinning mask?" he asked.
Percy didn't answer.
"Don't tell me this is some newfangled scheme
to lower the show's budget by not giving us moving eyes," said Thomas, despite the fact that this parody is meant to evoke
a Railway Series feeling and so should not be referencing the show at all.
Percy still didn't answer.
"Just who are
you supposed to be, anyway?" asked Thomas angrily.
"I don't have a name. You can call me P," said Percy from behind
the mask.
Thomas was stunned. "Alright, what's going on?"
"People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments
should be afraid of their people."
"Deep, but why say that?"
"I've set up a series of explosives to go off at midnight
tonight. The new year..."
"It's not New Year's Eve."
"Alright then, the new month will bring with it a new rule.
The rule of the people. Anarchy."
"Oh God," said Thomas, upsetting several Christians. No Jewish people were offended,
because they have thicker skin. The Muslims didn't care at all.
Just then Toby arrived. "Hey guys, what's new?"
"Aside
from the fact that Percy here wants to blow up the island, nothing much," said Thomas.
"Boo," said Annie, for no reason
other than to get a mention in this parody.
"Nice mask, Percy," said Toby. "You look just like that guy from that movie."
"The
comic was better," Thomas argued, despite the fact that he had not seen the movie. Then again, from what he'd heard on the
internet, he was probably right.
"You can call me P," said Percy, trying desperately to make people take his threat seriously.
Toby
laughed. "You are joking, right? P? Eesh, who's your friend, Q?"
"I'm the king of the 20th Century!" said Percy
angrily.
"It's not the 20th..."
"Shut up! I'm the bogeyman! The villain! The black sheep of the family!"
"You?" Toby
smirked. "You're the least intimidating person I know. I'm more afraid of bird flu than I am of you."
"Now hold on there!"
said a terrifying newsman. "Avian Influenza is the Black Death of our times! Look at all this evidence which does not specifically
prove anything! Also, birds are scary!"
No one listened to him.
"Look. Happiness is a prison," Percy continued. "The
most insidious prison of all. The ending is nearer than you think, and it is already written. All we have left to choose is..."
"Sorry
Percy, it's time for my train," said Thomas, puffing away.
"Oh sod it!" Percy's mask dropped off. "If no one's going to
take me seriously, you can just forget it."
"What about the bombs?" Toby asked.
"Toby, I'm a steam engine. Did you really
think I could plant and activate bombs anywhere?"
"Hmm, good point."
Good point indeed, Toby. But another good
point would be to check out the person who next upsets Sodor's political climate. Wanna know who it is? I'll give you a clue-He
was in 'Pop goes the Diesel', 'Dirty Work' and 'Diesel does it again'.
Got it?
Yes, you're quite right. It's
Duck.
The Great Duck-tater
Thomas' branch line meets The Little Western at...erm...I don't
know, Ffarquhar maybe.
(Nope, Tidmouth. Sorry, no pass for you-ERS Evaluators)
Bah, whatever. Thomas was waiting
to take his train back to...er...
(Oh come on, this should be easy)
...Elsbridge?
(Good enough)
Cool.
As he was waiting, he saw Donald arrive with a Goods train.
"Hello Donald!" he called. "How are things?"
"Och...I mean,
oh, not too bad, me lovely," said Donald, trying hard to put on a West County accent (and failing miserably). "Isn't
it a good day, eh?"
"Erm...yes," Thomas gave him a funny look. "Why are you talking like that?"
"I'm trying to hide
the fact I'm not Great Western...like," Donald explained.
"What for?"
"Because Duck'll scrap me if he finds out I'm
Scottish!"
"What?! Why?!"
"Och jings...I mean, dearie me...I mean...Luvaduck, he's gone mad I tell you. He's trying
to take over the whole island and make it all Great Western. And for some reason, he's wearing a monocle...Armager."
Thomas
was puzzled. "Armager?"
"I don't know, I heard it on Worzel Gummidge."
Thomas sighed. "Not another political uprising.
Look, I've got experience in these matters. Let me talk to him."
"Oi, you can't do that!" said the station master. "You've
got a train to pull."
"Pull it yourself," said Thomas bluntly, as he ran off to find Duck. The station master shrugged,
tied a rope around his waist and attached the over end to the train.
"Thank God I'm secretly super strong," he said to
himself.
Thomas found Duck atop a large podium, where he was talking to the Small Engines. He was indeed wearing a
monocle.
"Zo you zee, mein freunds, the fact is you are genetically insuperior, and zo must be exterminated like
the vermin you are. Any quvestions?"
"Yeah, one," said Rex. "How can we be genetically insuperior, when we don't have genes?"
"Silence,
schwienhund!" Duck shouted, and rolled over a button on the podium. Frank instantly appeared on the scene and pulled
Rex away.
"Thank goodness I vas having ze good zense to be hiring Frank as mein Geshtapo," Duck said. "Although
he is a diesel, he is proving most useful. It vill be a shame vhen I haff to destroy him."
"Hey, Duck!" Thomas shouted.
"What do you think you're playing at?"
"Ah, Herr Thomas," Duck pretended to look behind him (he couldn't really of course).
"Zo glad you are here to vitness how I vill be dealing with scum zuch as yourself. For you see, I am starting a new order,
Großes Verstwenism. You may call us...Grovers."
"No I won't, because that is stupid," said Thomas. "Come on, do you really
think anyone will take you seriously with a name like that?"
"Silence! Ze Grovers are ze greatest race of engines in ze
vorld! Ve vill shtop at noffin until our magnificent reign of terror is over! Ve vill be a glorious nation that lasts one
thouzand of your Earth years! Eine Grafschaft, eine Linie, eine Ente!"
"Get over yourself, you sound as bad as that guy
from Germany. I mean really, what self-respecting world conquering force would call themselves the Grovers?"
"...I haff
reflected on your words, and I haff just one quvestion."
"What's that?"
"If I stop, can I keep the monocle?"
"Sure."
"Deal."
"Well,"
said Thomas. "Glad to see this uprising was as easy to stop as the others.
Suddenly Oliver arrived. "Thomas, you must get
back to your branch line quickly! There's a terrible thing happening!"
"Oh God, let me guess. Toby's leading a rise for
a theocratic nation, right?"
"...Well, it's Mavis actually, but yeah."
Thomas sighed, and made his way back to his branch
line for this volume's thrilling conclusion. See you there!
(Duck acted completely out of character in that story.
aslso, you've used the same basic plot three times now. When are you going to improve?)
Never!
Good Heavens!
That's a good Railway Series title, eh?
Thomas returned to
his branch line with much haste, determined to stop the religious takeover of his branch line. The only god that belonged
on that line was himself, and he wasn't going to change that.
When he got to the quarry, he was surprised to see Mavis
covered in black cloth. All you could see was her eyes.
"Mavis, what are you dressed like that for?" Thomas asked.
"It's
against my religion to show myself in public," Mavis explained.
"Is that true?"
"I don't know. That's what someone told
me anyway."
"So what's all this about?"
"I'm trying to bring peace to Sodor by establishing a theocratic government,
one that listens to the great god, Cha Lee. Only he is wise enough to rule over us all."
"And what scientific evidence
do you base this claim on?"
"Oh Thomas," Mavis laughed. "Don't think with your mind. Think with your heart. Only then will
you learn the truth."
"...Eh?"
"Look, just swear loyalty to the great Cha Lee, ok?"
"No," said Thomas stubbornly.
"Alright
then, I warned you."
"No you didn't."
"Oh," said Mavis. "Well I'm warning you now. I'll bash you if you don't join us."
"Go
on then," said Thomas, a smirk on his face.
"Don't laugh at me! I'll bring peace to this island through violence if necessary!"
Mavis
lurched forward at Thomas, causing her cloth to get caught up in her wheels, ripping it off her body. She stopped in her tracks
(Ha! Bad pun), seemingly embarrassed.
"Oh no! I'm on display! I'm a no good lady of the night from Babylon!" (No W word
here, folks! Children read these books. Or so I've been told.)
Mavis was so upset she ran away at once.
"Well, that's
the end of that," said Thomas.
"Not so fast!" came a voice.
Thomas turned around (Oh yeah, he was on a turntable. I
should have said) to see...
"It's that kid from BantyoFox's sig!"
"That's right," said the kid from BantyoFox's sig
(credit goes to a guy from B3TA for making the gif for him). "And this is the great god Cha Lee."
"Meow," said the cat.
"Oh
my, what a horrible pun," said Thomas. "Hello Charlie the cat."
"Meow!"
"Cha Lee says that you must be killed, infidel!"
said the kid.
"Heh, forget that," said Thomas, and he ran over the cat.
"Charlie!" said the kid.
"Meow..."
said the cat.
"And that's the end of that," said Thomas, and he went home for tea.
(Oh for goodness sake, were
you even trying?)
The madness had gone on long enough, I had to end it somehow!
(Yeah, but killing the cat? Sorry,
this can't go in the library)
Fine, I'll post it as regular fanfiction! You can't do anything then, can you!
(...d**n)
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