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It was a beautiful day on the Island of Sodor. Thomas was puffing
along his branch line with his “friends” Annie and Clarabel, Percy was taking the mail even though it was the
middle of the day and Mikey had invented a form of swearing so powerful that it could actually strip paint.
“******!”
he said gleefully.
“Aaaargh!” cried his driver as his ears started to bleed.
The Fat Controller
had ordered a new engine to help out. The engine arrived at the sheds.
“Hey, whicha youse guys is in charge around
here?” he demanded.
“None of us are,” said Edward. “What’s your name?”
“Most
people call me sir.”
“But what’s your actual name?”
“Scarface,” said the
engine. “I wanna meet this Thomas the Tank Engine I heard so much about.”
“I’m him,”
said Thomas.
“Yeah? Well, I got something to tell you, Mister Thomas the Tank Engine. There’s a new order
in town, an’ I’m it.”
“What?” said Thomas. “You can’t do that!”
“I
can,” said Scarface. “The evidence being that I just have.”
Thomas was unhappy for the rest of the
day. Annie and Clarabel sang as they rattled along.
“White lines… running through my mind…”
they sang. “Thomas, why aren’t you doing the bass the way you usually do?”
“Because that Scarface
engine is taking over my racket!” complained Thomas.
“Don’t worry,” said the coaches. “He
doesn’t have a merchandising empire, he’ll never take over.”
“What’s that?” said
Scarface. “You saying you should be in charge, little man? You don’t even speak Italian! I hope the Don is impressed
by your razzmatazz Hollywood bullcrap, because I sure as hell ain’t! Now, you get off this Island and never come back!”
“Y-yes,
sir!” gulped Thomas. He fled that very night.
“Okay, you buncha lousy goody-two-shoes bums!” snarled
Scarface. “I’m the new shot-caller around here, and if any a you got a problem with that, ya can take it up with
me personally!”
“This is terrible!” said the other engines a few days later.
“He made
me smuggle cocaine in my mail coaches!” said Percy.
“He ran a poker ring out of the carriage shed!”
said Daisy.
“He revealed who dies in the latest Harry Potter book!” said James. “I was reading that!”
All
the engines wanted to do something, but nobody was sure what. Just then, Mikey arrived.
“Hey, *******, what the
****’s been going on while I’ve been away?” he said.
“Where were you?” demanded Gordon.
“Oh,
I was on the ******* seaside branch with Arthur, avoiding work the way we usually do. Because we’re that ******* cool.”
So
the engines told him all about Scarface.
“Ha!” said Mikey. “I can deal with that ****! You guys get
in the shed and shut the ******* doors.”
And so they did, making sure the ******* doors were firmly bolted. Then
Scarface arrived.
“You!” he snapped. “Outta my way!”
“**** off,” said Mikey.
“Oh,
you’re that engine what thinks he’s a big tough guy because you can swear.”
“Not just any swearing,”
said Mikey. “Brace yourself.”
He took a deep breath. “**** ******* ** **** **** *************** ***
**** **** ***** ** * * ***** ********** ***** **** ** ******** **** **** ***** ***** *** **** **** **** **** **** ***** ****
**** **** ******** ****** ******** **** ********** ********* **** *********** **** ****, and your mother was no
better!”
he screamed.
“Aaaaaaaagh! Noooooo!” cried Scarface, as his metal spontaneously rusted and buckled, and
his fire started burning green.
“**** *** ******** **** ***** ******** *** **** ***** ****** ****!” continued
Mikey, liquefying the glass in Scarface’s spectacle plates and blocking his boiler tubes.
“Okay, okay,
enough- I think I’ve gone blind!” said Scarface. “I’ll leave- just as soon as the boiling point of
the water in my boiler gets back down to the normal level!”
And he limped away.
“Well done!”
said the engines. “Your unbelievably foul mouth has saved the day! Although you have affected the structural integrity
of the shed, the local economy and the DNA of any passers by.”
“Who says ‘words can never hurt me’?”
said Toby.
“Where’s Scarface?” said Sir Topham Hatt, arriving on the scene in his car. “And
why has the tar on the roads melted?”
“Mikey sent Scarface packing!” said Emily.
“What?”
said the Fat Controller. “He owed me for that boxing match last night!”
THE END
NEXT WEEK: Emily
turns out to have been a man all along.
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