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It was summer time on the Island of Sodor, but thanks to Global
Warming, it had been raining heavy.
...ok we tell lies. It wasn't actually raining, but if it was it would probably
be blamed on global warming. If it rains in the summer its global warming. If it snows in the spring, its global warming.
If huge chunks of ice fall into the sea, its global warming. If polar bears fall dead on the spot its global warming. Seriously,
if its anyone, its Hannibal the Cannonball. It's a more realistic option.
Anyway, people like to visit the hills on
the Skarloey Railway, as 'Deathly Bridge of Doom' and 'If you visit here we'll kill you' didn't sound quite as thrilling.
Routes are set near the railway, as building paths by scenery was so last season. Railways are this years rivers.
This
particular day, Rusty had two very important jobs. Not mildly important, very important. Take note of the difference. The
first job was to take workmen to place signs that showed the visitors where to go along with the scenery walks. See, this
is the advantage of building a pathway along a railway line. It saves those poor workmen the long task of walking throughout
the forest and lovely scenery. Hurrah for that, hey?
Rusty wanted them to hurry though. Not because he was impatient,
but his second job excited him. He was to take The Fat Co (political correctness now) Sir Topham Hatt to the lake.
He didn't want to late.
"It's time to go!" he honked.
"Shut up you moody ol' sod!" replied the workmen, "We haven't
finished yet!"
But Rusty tooted his horn some more and eventually the workers got annoyed causing them to finish the job
quickly.
When Rusty reached the Wharf to pick up Sir Topham, though, he was early. Thomas puffed up for some apparent
reason. I would really love to give some reason why, but I can't. Honestly.
"You look happy," commented Thomas.
"I'am,"
tooted Rusty.
Aren't Island of Sodor conversations intelligent?
Soon, Sir Topham, Sir Tophams Hatt significant
other and the two grandchildren appeared and Rusty set off to the lake...
...or did he?...
...I've really got
to get over the fact Curious Incident has finished, honestly...
Rusty dropped the family off at the beginning of the
walk to the lake.
"We'll see at the Tea Rooms," boomed Sir Topham, "We'll probably be drinking tea, but then again we dunno
if this Tea Shop actually does Tea."
Rusty tooted and rolled off.
Rusty finished the rest of his mildly important
jobs (note the difference here?) and set off to the Tea Room. However, when he got there, the Tophams were not there.
"They
should be here by now..." Rusty said sadly to himself.
He began to worry. Not about the Tophams, but about Global Warming.
Rusty
went to search for the Tophams. His first stop was at the quarry. There he saw some happy campers.
"Have you seen
Sir Topham Hatt?" asked Rusty.
"No," bluntly added the campers.
Rusty could see they were people of few words, so he
went away.
He then went to the Coal Mine. There he some fishermen.
"Have you seen Sir Topham Hatt?" asked Rusty.
"Maybe,"
the fishermen replied.
Rusty didn't like the look of one fishermen, so he left.
The Castle soon followed. There
was some skiers.
"Have you seen Sir Topham Hatt?" asked Rusty.
"Pumblesnook," replied the skiers.
Rusty left as he
could clearly see these people were barmy.
Rusty then saw a deranged farmer.
"Have you seen Sir Topham Hatt?" asked
Rusty.
"Get orff moi liand!" shouted the farmer.
Rusty didn't like deranged farmers, so he left.
Rusty was puzzled.
He didn't know where to look. Suddenly, Rusty realized something.
"Why where the campers at the quarry? And the fishermen
at the coal mine? And skiers at the castle?
"Swearing Lesbians!" exclaimed Rusty, "When I hurried the workmen, they must've
placed the signs in the wrong place!"
Now many may question how Rusty got to this solution. It is very simple. There
was a sign by the side of the railway that said in bold letters:
"Ya Hurried The Workmen Yer Daft Bugger"
You
may also question the reason why Rusty didn't actually realize the whole mix up and actually ask the people why they
were there.
This is why we have such things as 'Ask a Ninja'.
Soon, after a 2 year 6 month 3
week quarter of a hour trek, he found Sir Topham, Sir Topham Hatts significant other and their grandchildren at Hill Farm.
Am I detecting a sense of hills and mountains with the Narrow gauge, or is it a possible reference to Culdee Fell Railway
(yeah...as if everything isn't already. I mean, Gordon sneezes and its bloody Ivo Hugh...).
"I've ruined your day!" Rusty
blubbed.
"Yes, you probably did," said Sir Topham, "But at least the children have learned where milk comes from."
"Milk...no...come...from...milk...man..."
noted young Bridget in a notebook.
"Get orf moi liand!" shouted the deranged farmer
Later, Rusty apologized to the
workmen.
"I shouldn't have rushed you," he admitted, "Next time, I'll learn to be more patient!"
"So you should you
daft orange!" replied the workmen.
It was later revealed that not all the mix-up incidents were not Rustys fault. The
bearded skier had accidentaly booked the wrong flight. I mean, come one. How can anyone mix the Alps and Sodor up? Geez...
"JimBob?"
"Yeah."
"Know you said we were going on a romantic holiday to France?"
"Oh
yeah?"
"Why are we in Brighton?
"...it was supposed to be Britanny..."
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