Tales From The Other Railway

Episode Guide

Episode Guide

Professor Vengeance summarises the various misadventures that Diesel and his cronies have gotten themselves into over the last four years...

TALES FROM THE OTHER RAILWAY

Series 1 - Episode Guide

Dear Friends,

I'm sure you are all aware of the Island of Sodor, the happy little island just off the coast of England. You know, the place where jolly steam engines and the odd diesel trundle about helping others, making friends and generally being the nicest bunch of iron horses to ever grace God's green Earth.

Sick yet? I know I am.

Which is why I am here to show you the other side of railway life, the side rarely seen nowadays in the sugar-coated world that is modern Sodor. It's a side where disgruntled diesels rule the yard; where manners and punctuality lie on the scrapheap; where budgets are lower than a politician's limbo stick; where everything is just plain Really Useless.

Have your tickets ready. Next stop: the Other Railway.

The Author.

N.B. This series contains frequent useage of moderate bad language which some people may find juvenile. To them, I say: nyah-nyah-nyahnyah-nyah! Ya boo, sucks to you!

1. DIESEL'S DAY OUT

Diesel the Diesel Engine loves skulking around the yard and calling the Big Engines lazy b*****ds. Old Stuck-Up, the richest and rudest Big Engine of all, decides enough is enough and gives the sarcastic shunter the ride of his greasy life.

2. THE NOT-SO-SAD STORY OF BOWLER

Bowler's crippling hypochondria strikes again when he takes shelter from the rain in a tunnel and refuses to come back out. How will the Thin Git get the train going again? Diesel and his explosives train may provide an answer.

3. SPAMCAN SITS BACK

Spamcan is the laughing stock of the yard following a mishap at the meusli factory that is best left untold. With the 'help' of senile diesel-turned-rolling-stock The Brakefather, he teaches head truck Scrappy a very uncomfortable lesson in humility.

4. DEREK'S DERRING-DO

Derek the new engine is beloved by the people of the Big Fat City, being the only engine who actually bothers to do his work. It's a shame, then, that he's constantly breaking down and catching fire. How far will he get on his inaugural journey? Place your bets now!

5. OLD MUCK-UP

Old Stuck-Up is horrified when he learns it's his turn to pull the sewage train and refuses to go quietly. The posh twit attempts a self-breakdown, only to end up rather closer to the sewage than he'd hoped.

6. CHILDREN OF THE TRAMS

It's summertime and all the adults in the Big Fat City have gone on holiday - leaving their snot-nosed children in the care of the Other Railway! Can Diesel come up with a cunning plan to get rid of the brats or will the engines be forced to play babysitter all summer long?

7. TITS AND TW*TS (Part One)

A grey-haired author and red-haired TV producer have come to visit the Other Railway, much to the annoyance of Old Stuck-Up. After an unlucky accident with an acid puddle and their car near the nuclear plant, the snooty Express Engine decides that revenge is a dish best served radioactive.

8. REALITY CHECK (Part Two)

Following the debacle with the Grey Author and Red Producer, an Inspector is brought in to perform a full assessment of the Other Railway's safety and competency practices. Guess how well it goes.

9. WE NEED ANOTHER ENGINE BY COURT ORDER! (Part Three)

The Thin Git must find at least one female diesel to work for him or the Other Railway will be closed for sexism in the workplace. He finds a delightful pair of high-speed diesel units on sale at the local supermarket who would be ideal, but the Big Engines aren't so happy about his find...

10. A WOMAN'S TOUCH (Part Four)

It's time for the Other Railway's final inspection and Old Stuck-Up is too drunk to pull the Express. Will Pip and Emma prove themselves in the eyes of the Big Engines? Will the Other Railway stay open? Will anyone care?

11. HALLOWEENIES

Diesel loves making fun of Douglas whenever he rolls into town with the Midnight Goods. That is until a run-in with the local drug-dealer's car gives Douglas a coke-coloured paintjob and a brilliant idea for payback.

12. I'VE GOT THE HORN!

Derek never toots loudly at stations, something Old Stuck-Up finds very un-diesel-like - "It's very wrong, but we just do it!" He's soon forced to quite literally eat his words when his own horn replaced with a sound-sucking vaccuum cleaner.

13. A VERY UNMERRY OTHER RAILWAY CHRISTMAS

Old Mrs Cruelly loves making the Other Railway Engines' lives a living hell, particularly around Christmastime. This year, however, it's time for Diesel and Spamcan to have their revenge.

 

TALES FROM THE OTHER RAILWAY

Series 2 - Episode Guide

Dear Friends,

A lot has happened in the last year and a half; Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer proved there is no God, Shrek was elected Prime Minister and Tales from the Other Railway became more popular than the Virtual Boy. Thanks to your ridiculously low standards, not only was the original series in 2007 a universal hit, but so too its special audio pantomime at the start of this year. Ever since
A Very Unmerry Other Railway Christmas, I have been inundated with literally a couple of posts begging me for more stories about Diesel and his Really Useless Coworkers.

Well, don't say I didn't warn you.

Yes, there are still many, many tales to be told of the Other Railway, some of them clean enough for publication. If you're fed up of sugary storylines, maddening morals and sunshine bright enough to melt your face, then look no further. This second collection of stories features an even larger cast, parodies by the barrelful, and more breakdowns and crashes than the London Stock Exchange.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the Other Railway. We missed you.

And your money.

The Author.

1. DIESEL AND BERNARD

Diesel meets Bernard, a drunken Oirish bus who thinks Diesel is a slow, unreliable sod. Offended, Diesel challenges the bus to a way-out wacky race across the line. Who will win in the eternal battle of road against rail - and who will get away with the most cheating?

2. CHAVS

Bowler and Old Stuck-Up tease Pip and Emma mercilessly when a gang of chavs hold up their train. How will the two Big Engines cope when they bump into a wild chav of their own?

3. WHAT THE BLOODY HELL'S THE MATTER WITH DEREK NOW?

Derek is feeling even more ill than usual, something Diesel and Spamcan are quick to exploit. Two other engines are more sympathetic, especially when they learn that he's accidentally refueled at the nuclear plant and become a living dirty bomb. They're high-speed twins Pip and Emma and today is the longest 24 minutes of their lives.

4. TWO CABS GOOD, ONE CAB BAD!

Old Stuck-Up believes himself superior to steam engines because he has two cabs - two cabs that get him into a very awkward position when trying to cross the points in the Yard.

5. BOWLER AND THE HIPPOPOTOMOUS

P.G. B*****d's Travelling Zoo and Hunting Reserve rolls into town to the delight of no-one, and Bowler is forced to clean up after when a strange object gets stuck in the tunnel.

6. PIP & EMMA'S MAGICAL MANNERS ADVENTURE

Football hooligans have ravaged the Big Fat City and it's up to Pip and Emma to deliver the timber to fix Mr Crap's supercasino. Unfortunately, they meet wreckage and rudeness at every turn and being nice little diesels is getting them nowhere fast. It's time for the twins to take a crash-course in superdickery.

7. "HELL, MORE TWINS!" (Part One)

The Thin Git is delighted to find two diesel shunters in the Yard, on the run and looking for work. Of course the twins soon prove to be more trouble than their price tag suggested following a mix-up with Pip and the sewage train.

8. GOODSFELLAS (Part Two)

The Ironworks Twins' trial period goes from bad to worse when they get on the wrong side of the Brakefather. Arry gets into an 'accident' at the brewary, while Bert engages the senile brake van in a battle of wits. Whoever wins, we lose.

9. THE DEPORTATION (Part Three)

It's flood season and Arry and Bert are worried they'll be deported back to Sodor when the Thin Git returns from his Vegas vacation. Scrappy suggests blackmail as the answer - and poor old Derek has been deputized to make the deal.

10. A BIG WASTE OF TIME FOR DIESEL

Diesel loves bragging about never having to pull passenger trains. When Bowler is too hungover to pull the Morning Special, however, Diesel must attempt to weasel his way out of replacing him.

11. SPAMCAN, GET LOST!

After wasting his entire Halloween collecting rubbish with Arry and Bert, Spamcan gets hopelessly lost on his way back to the sheds and winds up in the most terrifying place imaginable - SODOR.

12. DICK TAKES OVER

The Thin Git has acquired a new shunter to make sure Diesel, Arry and Bert actually do their work. Montgomery quickly lives up to his nickname of 'Dick' by treating the trio even worse than the Thin Git on Monday morning and it isn't long before revolution is in the air.

13. DIESEL & THE MISSING CHRISTMAS

Diesel has mysteriously disappeared - as have the Christmas party supplies he was sent to fetch! Arry and Bert must brave the elements and a literal mountain of red tape to save their annual Xmas do.

 

TALES FROM THE OTHER RAILWAY

Series 3 - Episode Guide

Dear Friends,

Is it that time of year again already?

It is? Bugger.

I shouldn't complain, really. After the last series and this summer's audio-exclusive blockbuster, the popularity of Tales from the Other Railway has soared to dizzying heights (A full three feet!). It has its own fanbase, its own Productions page, I even saw one man cosplaying as the Thin Git the other day. Of course he might've just been homeless. At any rate the money was dribbling in. It looked as though I would be able to retire on top and live the rest of my days in sunny Brighton.

And then I was asked to invest in a little film called Delgo...

So here I am again, with a fresh batch of twisted tales of railway wrong-doing, that will hopefully keep the taxman at bay. Expect new characters up the wazoo, scathing satire down the jumper and enough muck to rival the Glastonbury Festival.

Enjoy, and please give generously.

The Author.

1. DON'T TRUST DIESEL

Diesel is having a bad day, made worse by Bernard's bragging about the tar being delivered to mend his bumpy roads. Things don't get much better when Bowler and Stuck-Up play ill and he's forced to work at the sewage plant, but will a slip-up with the sludge prove to be a blessing in disguise?

2. SWOTS & STEAMIES

'Swots and steamies spoil schemies'. That's Arry and Bert's family motto, and one that's put to the test when a mystery engine starts doing all their work for them. But is this phantom steamie all he seemies?

3. COO, COO!

BoZo the Steam-Diesel Hybrid quickly bonds with Diesel over Arry and Bert's stupidity, calling them 'The Pigeons'. Bowler misinterprets them and boasts that flying rats are no conern to an Big Engine like him. This quickly proves to be rot when a swarm of incontinent racing pigeons are let loose in the Big Fat Station. Get those brollies up, people!

4. STUCK-UP AND THE C-LIST CELEBRITY

Everyone is kinda sorta slightly excited by the visit of a minor celebrity engine - everyone except Stuck-Up, who believes that such classless engines should never be trusted ("They aren't ratings-worthy"). To prove the point, he covers himself with cameras and tries to become a talent show superstar. A fierce wind at the rubbish dump, however, has other ideas...

5. DEREK'S DUMP

Derek hates working at the local dump, so he's naturally delighted when a freak storm blows it all away. In fact, his smugness becomes so great that it's too much for the other engines to bare. Can they get the old Derek back and what will become of the precious dump?

6. NO SHAME FOR SPAMCAN

Spamcan loves being an arsehole, but goes too far one day when he steals Pip and Emma's Express and has a run-in with a station coffee stand. Perhaps a chance encounter with a Railway Inspector will redeem him...

7. SAVED FROM CRAP (Part One)

Arry and Bert are pulled into a break-out when they stumble upon a gas-turbine engine named Cromwell and his flatulent tender, Mr Bottomsly. The two are fleeing from a place the Twins know all too well - SODOR.

8. RUDENESS & SARCASTICITY (Part Two)

Snooty Cromwell fits in a treat on the Other Railway, but he remains stalked by the shadows of his past. Who is the slippery figure spreading discontent amongst the coaches and what will happen when they send Cromwell on an unscheduled trip to the local strip club?

9. BLOKEY (Part Three)

It's a Generic Holiday on the Other Railway and a sickeningly-sweet bendy bus named Blokey is helping with the loads. Who is this crazy hippy, where did he come from and what will become of the wounded Cromwell? Pip and Emma investigate.

10. STEAMIE DOES SHIT AGAIN

With the harbour busier than ever, and Diesel and Spamcan reluctant to do any work themselves, the Thin Git is forced to bring Steamie back to help out. Chaos, and terrible singing, ensues.

11. DIESEL, DEREK AND THE WICKER MAN

Derek is constantly mocked by Diesel for being a great big wet blanket. Tonight, however, it's Diesel's turn to oil himself in fear as he gets stuck in the sidings for the night and encounters Derek's unusual load for the pagan festival.

12. BERNARD'S RUN

Bowler has good reason for missing Pip and Emma's connection today - Bernard's stolen his passengers and now has his headlights set on the high-speed twins. You will believe that a bus can fly.

13. DIESEL & SPAMCAN'S CHRISTMAS MISADVENTURE

It's Christmastime once again and the Other Railway has no money to celebrate. Diesel and Spamcan are enlisted for a special 'fundraising' mission deep into the heart of the business district. Will the Thin Git's engines get the happy Christmas they don't especially deserve?

 

TALES FROM THE OTHER RAILWAY

Series 4 - Episode Guide

Dear Friends,

I've had enough.

I am sick to the back teeth of writing the same stupid stories about the same stupid diesels, day after day after day for peanuts a week. That's not a metaphor either. They've been paying me in nuts and berries for the last three months. Government cuts, my arse.

I'm bored and I'm broke, to say nothing of the abuse I've suffered. In the three and a half years I have been the Other Railway's official unofficial biographer, I have been regularly insulted, humiliated, criticized, trolled and generally made to feel a massive prat by both staff and diesels alike. Only 95% of it was justified.

Well, no more.

I have handed in my notice to Sir Wyatt Fronts and made a deal with the controller of the new narrow-gauge railway just down the road. His engines shall be the subject of my writings from now on. OK, so these little diesels are just as horrid as the big ones, the railway is built on a toxic death trap and the controller is Scottish, but at least I'm being paid in real money again.

The Other Railway is history! Long live the Scarface Railway!

The Author.

1. FOUR LITTLE EEJITS

Scarface the narrow-gauge diesel hates working on his tacky tourist line and will do anything to get out of it. When forced to pull co-worker Dame Edna's train in his place, he tries all he can to get away, but to no avail. His rusty wheels and leaking tank, however, provide an explosive solution.

2. SNOOTY B*****D

Scarface the narrow-gauge diesel hates working on his tacky tourist line and will do anything to get out of it. When forced to pull co-worker Dame Edna's train in his place, he tries all he can to get away, but to no avail. His rusty wheels and leaking tank, however, provide an explosive solution.

3. SPECIAL FENDERS

Smokey is the only steam engine on the Scarface Railway and the thick black smoke he belches out annoys Dame Edna no end; so much so that the old bag deliberately catches one of Bernard's various illnesses just to avoid working at the dump with him. Peter Fonda takes his place, only to require an unorthadox repair job following an embarrassing mishap with the local donkeys. Hey, it's not their fault he looks so delicious.

4. EXCAVATOR

Fed up with Dame Edna's complaining, Scarface bets the old engine that he can't make out with Georgina; the toff-hating, Burberry-loving road-rail excavator. Will Dame Edna woo his way into her bucket or will the little digger quite literally dump him?

5. THE ROCK 'N' ROLL HORROR PICTURE SHOW

The Wee B*****d gets the local death metal band to host a concert on the Scarface Railway in order to raise some more cash. A pity he doesn't reckon on Dinsdale the new ex-military engine and his crippling fear of everything that moves.

6. GRUMPY AULD EEJIT

Ashamed of Dinsdale's cowardice, Scarface tells the story of how Renegade came to be imprisoned. What follows is an epic yarn involving a railway in crisis, a kidnapped mayor and pickled herring sandwiches.

7. SMOKEY TO THE RESCUE

Smokey had always heard rumours that a Big Railway used to run by the Scarface Railway and is thrilled to discover its old tracks. What lies ahead on these ancient lines, what became of the engines who once lived there and just what is the Wee B*****d trying to hide, besides his bald patch?

8. TRIPLE THREAT

Sick of Old Stuck-Up calling them "too common" to handle the Express, Diesel, Arry and Bert steal the train to prove him wrong. They don't.

9. YOUNG F***-UP

The Big Engines are distrustful of working-class engines, so when a young delinquent diesel is brought in to cover for Old Stuck-Up, they are naturally suspicious. Who is this Young F***-Up and will the Big Engines' plot to brick the annoying bugger up be as block-headed as it sounds?

10. CHIPS

"The Hot Potato" is the train that smuggles potatos to all the takeaways and fast food joints in town. Such an important train should never be left in the buffers of unreliable idiots like Derek or BoZo. Guess who's pulling the train tonight.

11. DIESEL AND THE COMMUNITY SERVICE

Good news - Diesel and the other engines are all going to London. Bad news - they're going to complete their massive backlog of community service orders. How can Diesel possibly weasel his way out of this one?

12. ESPECIALLY FATAL ATTRACTION

Spamcan is delighted when he tricks Pip & Emma into a not-so-romantic 'high-speed date' with a mad old shunter and his pet trucks. He is less delighted when he himself winds up getting 'intimate' with Millicent the Trampy Tramp Steamer.

13. PROUD PRATS AND QUEEN

Queen, the world's most epic rock band, are coming to the Other Railway. All the engines are at each other's throats competing to pull the special train, but is the visit all that it seems?