Tales From The Other Railway

Steamie Does S**t Again...

Steamie Does S**t Again

Steamie was initially introduced in Diesel & The Steam Engine - the 2009 audio special for Tales From The Other Railway, and is brought back here in the most popular story of Series 3...

Diesel and Spamcan hate their work at the harbour, pulling and pushing trucks full of cargo to, from and sometimes off the quay.

But one morning the engines were exhausted. The harbour was busier than ever, even when they got off their buffers and tried doing some actual work. The Thin Git promised that another engine would be found to help them.

"Huh! It's about bloody time!" said Spamcan.

"I ache so much I can hardly speak to insult you," agreed Diesel.
They waited for the engine to arrive. It came as a shock when he did.

"Wait a tic," said Spamcan. "Can you 'ear...puffing?"

"Puffing?" cried Diesel. "Oh no. No, it can't be!"

But it was. Into the harbour puffed a small saddletank engine, with flourescant green paint, six small wheels and the most sickeningly cheery smile any of them had ever seen.

"Good morning!" sang Steamie in his squeaky voice.

The two engines had not worked with Steamie for a long time. You may remember their first encounter.

You don't?

Didn't you listen to Diesel and the Steam Engine?

You didn't?

Well, what're you still doing here? Get your arse to the Productions page of the fansite and listen to it.

Go ahead. Don't worry about the story. I'll wait till you're done.

...

...

...

Welcome back. Crap, wasn't it?

"What are you doing here?" gasped Diesel.

"Your worthy Sir Wy - er, Thin Git sent me. I hope you're pleased to see me. I'm to shunt some lovely, cuddly trucks!"

"Shunt where?" asked Spamcan suspiciously.

"Where? Why, from here to there," chirruped Steamie, "and then again from there to here! FUUUN, isn't it?"

With that Steamie, as if to make himself quite clear, started singing to some nearby trucks.

"OOOOH!" screamed the trucks.

"Tra-la-la-la-la!" sang Steamie.



Diesel and Spamcan were horrified. They did not trust Steamie at all. They refused to work and would not leave their shed.

The Thin Git was enjoying his beer and Pot Noodle when the telephone rang.

"So there's trouble in the harbour yard? That's no surprise...Diesel and Spamcan refusing to work? Are you going anywhere with this?...They have an actual reason for refusing to work? Sweet Bela Lagosi, I'll be there right away!"

Steamie was singing loudly and alone. Bootleg DVDs lay on the quay, ships and passengers were delayed, everyone was complaining about the Thin Git's railway - even more so than usual!

Diesel and Spamcan were sulking in their shed.

"What's all this then?" demanded the Thin Git.

"We're on strike, you twonk!" said Spamcan.

"Yes!" added Diesel, "beg pardon, sir, but are you ****ing mad!? We won't work with Steamie!"

Then in a quiet, sneering voice he added, "You said you'd sent him packing, sir."

"I have to give Steamie another chance. I am trying to help you by bringing Steamie here, now you must help me. He was the only engine available..."

"Yeah, right," grumbled Spamcan.

"...In the entire country."

The two engines stared at their buffers awkwardly.

"Now stop this idiocy and get moving. Those Blue-Rays aren't going to shift themselves."

Diesel and Spamcan went sadly back to work.



Next morning things were no better. Steamie's driver didn't exist, so his brakes weren't on properly and Steamie started to move.

He went BUMP, straight into Diesel and pushed him through the wall of a nearby tuna cannery.

Diesel had an awful fright!

"Wake up please, Diesel!" smiled Steamie, "You have some lovely work to do!"

He even had the gall to say he was sorry.

Later Steamie was shunting. He sang so much to the trucks that they knocked themselves to bits. The loads went everywhere!

"Oooh, what'll the Thin Git say?" said Diesel wickedly.

"'Ee's not gonna like it!" sang Spamcan.

"What a jolly good idea!" said Steamie, beaming from buffer to buffer. "So who's going to tell him, I wonder? Two little goody-goody upstanding citizens like you, I suppose?"

Diesel and Spamcan were taken aback.

"Or should I say 'two little baddy-baddy rotten meanies who ruined my life? Ooh, wait! I've got it - 'two little yummy-yummy lumps of shark bait'! Hehe, I love sharks! They have such biiiiiig smiles!"

Diesel and Spamcan didn't want to be shark bait, so they said nothing.

Steamie, thinking he could get away with his psychotic behaviour, was worse than ever.

Next day he was shunting trucks full of headache tablets for the Thin Git's daily migraines. He was just in the middle of a rousing rendition of the Fast Food Song, when the trucks decided they couldn't take anymore. They banged hard into the buffers, knowing full well they weren't secure. There was a loud CRASH, and the water began to fizzle ferociously.

The silly trucks were sunk!



Soon the Thin Git heard the news ("AUGH, my head!"). The trucks were hoised safely from the sea, but the tablets had completely dissolved.

The Thin Git spoke severely to Steamie, a large ice pack clutched to his forehead. "Things worked much better here before you arrived - and they hardly worked at all! I shall not be inviting you back for at least three more series, pending low ratings! Now, Diesel and Spamcan, I hope you won't mind having to handle the work by yourselves again."

"Oh no, sir! Yes please, sir!" replied the engines.

Tooting cheerfully they rumbled back to avoiding work, while Steamie huffed slowly away.


THE END.

Tales From The Other Railway - Series 3 / Story 10
Based on Diesel Does It Again - Written by David Mitton & Britt Allcroft