Diesel and Spamcan hate their
work at the harbour, pulling and pushing trucks full of cargo to, from and sometimes off the quay.
But one morning
the engines were exhausted. The harbour was busier than ever, even when they got off their buffers and tried doing some actual
work. The Thin Git promised that another engine would be found to help them.
"Huh! It's about bloody time!" said Spamcan.
ache so much I can hardly speak to insult you," agreed Diesel.
They waited for the engine to arrive. It came as a shock
when he did.
"Wait a tic," said Spamcan. "Can you 'ear...puffing?"
"Puffing?" cried Diesel. "Oh no. No,
it can't be!"
But it was. Into the harbour puffed a small saddletank engine, with flourescant green paint, six small
wheels and the most sickeningly cheery smile any of them had ever seen.
"Good morning!" sang Steamie in his squeaky
The two engines had not worked with Steamie for a long time. You may remember their first encounter.
Didn't you listen to Diesel and the Steam Engine?
Well, what're you still doing
here? Get your arse to the Productions page of the fansite and listen to it.
Go ahead. Don't worry about the story.
I'll wait till you're done.
Welcome back. Crap, wasn't it?
"What are you doing
here?" gasped Diesel.
"Your worthy Sir Wy - er, Thin Git sent me. I hope you're pleased to see me. I'm to shunt some
lovely, cuddly trucks!"
"Shunt where?" asked Spamcan suspiciously.
"Where? Why, from here to there," chirruped
Steamie, "and then again from there to here! FUUUN, isn't it?"
With that Steamie, as if to make himself quite clear,
started singing to some nearby trucks.
"OOOOH!" screamed the trucks.
"Tra-la-la-la-la!" sang Steamie.
Diesel and Spamcan were horrified. They did not trust Steamie at all. They refused to work and would not leave their shed.
Thin Git was enjoying his beer and Pot Noodle when the telephone rang.
"So there's trouble in the harbour yard? That's
no surprise...Diesel and Spamcan refusing to work? Are you going anywhere with this?...They have an actual reason for
refusing to work? Sweet Bela Lagosi, I'll be there right away!"
Steamie was singing loudly and alone. Bootleg DVDs
lay on the quay, ships and passengers were delayed, everyone was complaining about the Thin Git's railway - even more so than
Diesel and Spamcan were sulking in their shed.
"What's all this then?" demanded the Thin Git.
on strike, you twonk!" said Spamcan.
"Yes!" added Diesel, "beg pardon, sir, but are you ****ing mad!? We won't work
Then in a quiet, sneering voice he added, "You said you'd sent him packing, sir."
"I have to
give Steamie another chance. I am trying to help you by bringing Steamie here, now you must help me. He was the only engine
"Yeah, right," grumbled Spamcan.
"...In the entire country."
The two engines stared at
their buffers awkwardly.
"Now stop this idiocy and get moving. Those Blue-Rays aren't going to shift themselves."
and Spamcan went sadly back to work.
Next morning things were no better. Steamie's driver didn't exist, so his brakes weren't on properly and Steamie started
He went BUMP, straight into Diesel and pushed him through the wall of a nearby tuna cannery.
had an awful fright!
"Wake up please, Diesel!" smiled Steamie, "You have some lovely work to do!"
He even had
the gall to say he was sorry.
Later Steamie was shunting. He sang so much to the trucks that they knocked themselves
to bits. The loads went everywhere!
"Oooh, what'll the Thin Git say?" said Diesel wickedly.
"'Ee's not gonna
like it!" sang Spamcan.
"What a jolly good idea!" said Steamie, beaming from buffer to buffer. "So who's going to tell
him, I wonder? Two little goody-goody upstanding citizens like you, I suppose?"
Diesel and Spamcan were taken aback.
should I say 'two little baddy-baddy rotten meanies who ruined my life? Ooh, wait! I've got it - 'two little yummy-yummy lumps
of shark bait'! Hehe, I love sharks! They have such biiiiiig smiles!"
Diesel and Spamcan didn't want to be shark bait,
so they said nothing.
Steamie, thinking he could get away with his psychotic behaviour, was worse than ever.
day he was shunting trucks full of headache tablets for the Thin Git's daily migraines. He was just in the middle of a rousing
rendition of the Fast Food Song, when the trucks decided they couldn't take anymore. They banged hard into the buffers,
knowing full well they weren't secure. There was a loud CRASH, and the water began to fizzle ferociously.
trucks were sunk!
Soon the Thin Git heard the news ("AUGH, my head!"). The trucks were hoised safely from the sea, but the tablets
had completely dissolved.
The Thin Git spoke severely to Steamie, a large ice pack clutched to his forehead. "Things
worked much better here before you arrived - and they hardly worked at all! I shall not be inviting you back for at least
three more series, pending low ratings! Now, Diesel and Spamcan, I hope you won't mind having to handle the work by yourselves
"Oh no, sir! Yes please, sir!" replied the engines.
Tooting cheerfully they rumbled back to avoiding
work, while Steamie huffed slowly away.